On Wakes and Funerals

I attended a funeral today, and I am so glad I did. Is it surprising that a funeral was uplifting? Our friend's death was sudden, and the community was totally taken by surprise. But several hundred people came to pay tribute to him and to support his family. It was deeply moving to see how many people knew him well, and how many lives he touched. Even in his death, Tony brought the community together, reuniting people and connecting others. It was beautiful.

Once you accept the fact that we all die sometime, it makes wakes and funerals much more natural. I know that a lot of people try to shield their children from death, and choose to keep them home from funerals because they don’t want them to be upset. But the reality of life is that everyone suffers loss at some time. Everyone needs to know how to handle loss, and how to be a part of an extended family and a community.

To deny the reality of death is to fail to fully appreciate life. They go hand in hand. Once you lose a grandparent, don’t the remaining grandparents become more precious? It gives us another chance to appreciate those around us. Every time I attend a wake or funeral, I walk away thinking that I should have tried harder to get to know the deceased when I had the chance. It inspires me and makes me appreciate a life well lived.

The hardest thing about wakes and funerals is worrying about what to say to the grieving family. Have you ever waited in line as that knot grew bigger and bigger in your stomach as you wondered what you can possibly say to make the person feel better? Well, it’s surprisingly easy. You can’t. And you don’t need to. The pressure is off because no one is going to remember what you said! So be simple: “So sorry for your loss,” “She was a good friend” or “He will be missed.” They will look at the guest book later and know that you were there. A smile and a hug or a warm handshake will make the other person feel loved and know that they are not alone. And that’s enough.

A friend made a great suggestion for helping after a death in the family. People usually say, “Just let me know what I can do to help.” That shifts the burden to the grieving person. However, if you make an offer of two or three things that you could do to help the person – depending on how well you know them – that gives them an easy way to accept your offer. Say you can babysit, bring over a meal or snacks, stop by for coffee or a chat, mow the lawn, drive their kids to team practices or to school, etc. It’s nice to be remembered once all the family goes home, so a phone call or visit a little while after the funeral is a kind way to connect.

When my husband died, the show of support from the community was very comforting. I really was touched. Don’t be afraid to talk about the deceased. In my experience, it was always helpful to know that other people hadn’t forgotten him. Even after death, our loved ones remain a part of our lives – who we are and how we feel and think. He was still a great person, and his influence on the family remains. It’s just nice to know that people remember.

Blessings,
Barb