Today I came away thinking about widows and how my particular experience colors the way I see things. I was widowed almost six years ago. Believe me; nothing prepares you for that sudden change in life.
Having four children, Pete and I always believed in division of labor. Whatever happened outside was his job, and I took care of the inside jobs. Naturally, if he wanted to eat on time and have all the laundry done, he’d pitch in, but I just took for granted that all his jobs would be done. And somehow he always managed.
When I was suddenly faced with having to do everything myself, I was overwhelmed! I had no concept of organization for things like yard work, car maintenance, or finance. I paid our bills and did our taxes for years before they got too complicated. When I went back to work, I happily handed over all the bill-paying and record-keeping to my husband. While that helped me manage my time, it got me terribly out-of-touch with running the household. When he was sick, I couldn’t acknowledge that he might not survive the cancer, so I never asked for a run-down on what he did to make things run so smoothly. What a mistake! I never even knew how he watered the lawn!
One of the things I have learned is that people are usually more than happy to help. My neighbors have been wonderful about all the crises that happen. We couldn’t figure out how to stop the chirping of the smoke alarms one night, so we called a neighbor. My garage door died one day – and I had no idea where to buy a new one! Again, neighbor to the rescue!
One neighbor really stands out – a high school student—who decided that once my children had all moved out, the snow on my driveway was his responsibility and his alone! Every time it snowed he showed up and cleared the driveway. He never accepted money. He just said he was happy to do it. During the big storms, the other neighbors’ snow blowers pitched in too! I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. I felt secure and cared for.
I have an idea for how you can care for a widow. It hurts to say this, because I feel as though women should be treated fairly and equally, but there are people out there who will take advantage of women who don’t have the background to bargain. I was given an inflated price on replacement windows, and fortunately figured it out (with the help of a friend) before I signed the contract! It helps to have someone else present (man or woman) who knows the right questions to ask. A friend could offer to be there to help during the presentation, or offer references for reliable and honest contractors.
The words “Let me know if I can be of any help” are kindly meant, but leave things up to the person in need. I think we are all too afraid of insulting someone by offering help. A simple concrete offer to help would be much more helpful – “I’d be happy to meet with you and the contractor when you figure out how you want to remodel your deck.” “Let’s pick an afternoon and I’ll help you hang your Christmas lights.” “I am going to drop off Christmas packages at UPS. May I take your packages with me when I go?” Simple, but so helpful!
There is one more couple who just made my day, and got themselves written into our family history by doing what they do best. They cook barbecue – the best I have ever had! Instead of attending my husband’s wake, Maria and Jim put together a feast of their home-made barbecue and all the trimmings for my family. When we came home exhausted, drained, and starving, Jim met us at the end of the driveway with our gourmet dinner. It was a charitable act that will never be forgotten.
Let’s have the courage to help one another.
Blessings,
Barb
When I was suddenly faced with having to do everything myself, I was overwhelmed! I had no concept of organization for things like yard work, car maintenance, or finance. I paid our bills and did our taxes for years before they got too complicated. When I went back to work, I happily handed over all the bill-paying and record-keeping to my husband. While that helped me manage my time, it got me terribly out-of-touch with running the household. When he was sick, I couldn’t acknowledge that he might not survive the cancer, so I never asked for a run-down on what he did to make things run so smoothly. What a mistake! I never even knew how he watered the lawn!
One of the things I have learned is that people are usually more than happy to help. My neighbors have been wonderful about all the crises that happen. We couldn’t figure out how to stop the chirping of the smoke alarms one night, so we called a neighbor. My garage door died one day – and I had no idea where to buy a new one! Again, neighbor to the rescue!
One neighbor really stands out – a high school student—who decided that once my children had all moved out, the snow on my driveway was his responsibility and his alone! Every time it snowed he showed up and cleared the driveway. He never accepted money. He just said he was happy to do it. During the big storms, the other neighbors’ snow blowers pitched in too! I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. I felt secure and cared for.
I have an idea for how you can care for a widow. It hurts to say this, because I feel as though women should be treated fairly and equally, but there are people out there who will take advantage of women who don’t have the background to bargain. I was given an inflated price on replacement windows, and fortunately figured it out (with the help of a friend) before I signed the contract! It helps to have someone else present (man or woman) who knows the right questions to ask. A friend could offer to be there to help during the presentation, or offer references for reliable and honest contractors.
The words “Let me know if I can be of any help” are kindly meant, but leave things up to the person in need. I think we are all too afraid of insulting someone by offering help. A simple concrete offer to help would be much more helpful – “I’d be happy to meet with you and the contractor when you figure out how you want to remodel your deck.” “Let’s pick an afternoon and I’ll help you hang your Christmas lights.” “I am going to drop off Christmas packages at UPS. May I take your packages with me when I go?” Simple, but so helpful!
There is one more couple who just made my day, and got themselves written into our family history by doing what they do best. They cook barbecue – the best I have ever had! Instead of attending my husband’s wake, Maria and Jim put together a feast of their home-made barbecue and all the trimmings for my family. When we came home exhausted, drained, and starving, Jim met us at the end of the driveway with our gourmet dinner. It was a charitable act that will never be forgotten.
Let’s have the courage to help one another.
Blessings,
Barb
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